I don't know if I've mentioned before, but I'm self-diagnosed with chronic insomnia. Over the summer, sure, who doesn't stay up til 3 am and sleep in until 1 pm? No, for me it doesn't take 3 months. It could happen in a day. As I type, it's 5:25 in the morning on a weekday. I'm listening to the winds outside, they're pretty harsh. My house is over a hundred years old, and my room is considered the attic. So if the blow is big enough, I can feel it. And it's made me think of last year, around this time, well February, when I also was having trouble sleeping. For different reasons all together, but I'll get into that later. And I've realized that insomnia, it's part of me. It's something that I've been told needs to be changed, or medicated. And I've only just realized, I don't want it fixed. I like it. Every winter, since Freshman year, I've gone through some sort of mental breakdown over or near Christmas break. I don't know why. I've always hated the snow and winter, but I think it's only recently morphed into something my mom calls Seasonal Affective Disorder. Something about being really depressed in winter, I don't really know. Well last year, Sophomore year, was the worst I've ever had. I was someone else entirely, more isolated than usual, more sensitive, and completely destructive. I lashed out unnecessarily, screamed until blue in the face at anyone who came near me. Maybe I was just being 15. Well, 16 I guess. My birthday is in December, so what have you. Anyways, I had recently become obsessed with a band called Tokio Hotel. You've probably heard of them and are extremely annoyed with them. I knew of them since the 8th grade, but last year I heard their english records for the first time. And suddenly they were my anchor. They were my friends during that time, they were my oxygen. And I know I've heard fangirls use these terms with no mercy in about a billion other contexts. But I mean it, this band was my life. In February, their first american tour was announced. The nearest date was New York, which is about a 6 hour drive. I don't know why I thought my mom would take me, but I was sure she would. So sure that she knew how important these boys were to me, how close I've grown to them, that she would drop everything and take me on a whim. I tried to make it as convenient as possible, offering gas money, driving during daylight hours since I only had a permit. It was still a no. And that no, it made something in me snap. She was my only chance. I was 15, not able to hop in a car and drive myself. Or take a train, bus, plane. She was the light at the end of the dark tunnel I'd been holed in for the last 3 months, and all of a sudden, that beam of light was cut off. Completely blindsighted. At first, I was in disbelief, shock. No, she's said "no" a million other times. She never means it. I always get my way in the end. Surely, this time is no different. (Heed this warning, mothers who spoil their children.) But it was. It was that night in February when it sank in that this is the first time that she's put her foot down. And, ironically, the only time it truly mattered to me. "Mom, please buy me that dress." "No, it's too expensive." "Please, mom, please, I really want it, please please please." "Fine, go get it, just so you'll shut up." I could have lived without all those things she's given me in the past "just to shut me up". But this, this mattered. This was my life. And she cut the cord. I felt utterly and completely betrayed. It was a schoolnight. A Tuesday or Wednesday. Somewhere between 2 and 3 am. It was freezing outside. I took my ipod, no jacket, stuffed on my shoes, and left. Without a word. My ipod was on shuffle. The breeze hit me like a slap in the face. It wasn't snowing, but it was cold enough to make your hands sting with frostbite after you went back in. I didn't go back in. Not for another hour or two. I took a walk on the road. In winter, everything is pure. I may say that I hate winter and snow, but this moment I will remember for the rest of my life. I started walking down the road. There was no snow, but everything was hushed. Time stood still. The moon was a perfect silver, the sky with a few clouds smeared across the sky. Stretched so thin the stars were slightly visible through them. I remember Final Day by Tokio Hotel coming on my ipod. I remember stopping in the middle of the street during that song. I remember looking up at the sky and thinking that I was outside freezing my ass off to prove some point or other, some point of anarchy or rebellion. But I remember thinking that those reasons that I was out there right then, they didn't matter. My slate was wiped completely clean. The sky, it welcomed me home. Not to my house, there's a difference between a house and a home. I've never felt so alive than in that moment. I've never been so self-aware. Everything was perfect. The night was mine, I was the only one outside to savor it. To claim it as my own. It was my home. I'd never felt so safe, so at peace, so whole, so....home. It's the only word I can think of to even come close to what I'm trying to describe. You can spend your whole life with people you love, who've shared memories with you, who welcome and accept you. But that one moment, and you'll know it when you feel it, that one moment that you come home. It's irreplaceable.

Tiffany Blews - Fall Out Boy
Listen. Learn. Love.

I can't stop listening to it. It's like crack, I swear. The bridge and chorus are so ridiculously genius. And of course, Lil Wayne's in it. So it's automatically a guaranteed success. :)

"I'm not a crybaby,
I'm THE crybaby"

"Hate me baby, maybe I'm a piece of art"

"My 'friends' all lie and say
They only want the best wishes for me
...3, 2, 1, We go live"

"Oh, baby you're a classic, like a little black dress"

"Not the boy I was,
The boy I am is just venting
Dear gravity, you held me down in this starlet city"

Seriously. How genius are those lyrics?

I just watched the Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning. It is without a doubt the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. Even through Silence of the Lambs, I could at least appreciate the killer's genius tactics. But no, I couldn't find a single redeeming factor in Leatherface. Just a messed up freak, made from inbred hicks. Disgusting.

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Go here and enter above
http://www.addictinggames.com/freerider2.html


It's pretty epic

I just opened my new macbook last night. Happy sweet 17 to me, this thing is sexy has hell. And yes, hell is rather sexy. I couldn't wait anymore. So now on my actual birthday I'll won't have anything to open. Oh well, money from the relatives is enough to make me happy. I FINALLY got my permit the other day. I'm so pathetic. OH. And if you have not yet tasted the Starbucks Peppermint Mocha Twist, I strongly suggest you do so as soon as possible. That thing is like brewed sin.

I'm absolutely in love with this one song right now. Why Georgia by John Mayer. Something about the very first line, "I am driving up 85 in the kind of morning that lasts all afternoon." It just hits home with me. It's such a familiar feeling. I get it. And when I hear a new song that I really like, or that I can really relate to, I'll listen to it over and over again, for hours, or all day, or all week. And it never gets old.

Original:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMJk4Edm8rU

An amazing cover:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vo097PBF_O8

So I figured I'd put up a more random update of my life

Well I absolutely love books. Fantasy, mostly. Always fiction. I didn't read at all before Harry Potter. I'm probably my school's resident Potter dork extraordinaire.. I started reading them in 5th grade, which was relatively late in the Harry Potter franchise. I believe it was right after the 5th book came out. But before that, I absolutely despised them. I remember being in 4th grade, and there was this one kid in my class who always read Harry Potter. I thought it was the stupidest thing ever created. So I went up to him one day and said, "That's so stupid, why would you read those books? Harry Potter is fake." Little did I know just over a year later, I probably would have cried if someone said that to me. I never had an interest in it, even the movies. But one day I caught the last half hour or so of the second one on ABC Family. And I thought it was the best thing I've ever seen. So I watched the first one, and then the full second one. And I was absolutely hooked. Soon after, I picked up Sorcerer's Stone, and henceforth my destiny was set: To become the biggest Harry Potter obsessive within 20 miles at the least. It completely changed my life. I began to read other things, craving another good story, something to take me away to my own little world. My social habits changed, my attitude changed, but luckily my friends dealt with it. In fact, one of them soon after became my Harry Potter sidekick. In middle school I discovered the amazing works of Lois Lowry. She was my favorite author for the next 3 years. For any of you out there who hasn't read her books, I strongly recommend Number the Stars, and A Summer to Die. I also was a huge fan of the Mary-Kate and Ashley Two of A Kind series in middle school, and the Doll People Series. I don't really remember who else I liked in middle school. Probably nothing consistent, mainly fanfiction. In the summer after Freshman year, Harry Potter came to an end. It was really emotional and shocking. I felt as if I had nowhere to turn, like my best friend had been ripped from me. After a valiant attempt to keep it alive, I had to admit my defeat and let it go. I came across Jodi Picoult novels, the first being Nineteen Minutes. It opened a whole new chapter, so to speak, to me. I was never one for just plain fiction, young adult reads. It just seemed so unoriginal and uncreative. But Jodi Picoult proved me wrong. Very, very wrong. The way she provides an enrapturing story to keep the pages turning, despite a generally similar formula of law/romance/mystery, is a brilliance all in itself. One would think it to get rather predictable and boring. However, she then completely flips it around. Every single time. And all within the last chapter, if not the very last page. You expect the twist, because it's her signature, but it never fails to get my heart to stutter and my eyes racing. More Jodi Picoult (check out My Sister's Keeper, Salem Falls, and Vanishing Acts) and fanfiction (the legendary Draco Trilogy, quite a feat) filled the remainder of my underclassmen years. Until the end of Sophomore year. I came across Twilight in April. I had seen it countless times while browsing the shelves of Barnes and Noble. Even picked it up to read the back a few times. Pssh, vampires? This sounds so cliche, corny, predictable, pointless. ....Oh. Was I wrong. I was about to experience the filling for my gaping Harry Potter void, a rebound if you will. I finished Twilight in less than 24 hours, which is a record for me. Even Harry Potter books took me at least 4 days, if not a week. I remember staying up all night finishing it, and having to go to school without sleep the next day. I still had about 20 pages left, but I couldn't procrastinate getting ready any longer or I'd miss the bus. So I brought it to school. I finished it by my period 6 lunch. I remember going to the bathroom during lunch and calling my mom at work. "Mom, I just finished Twilight, that new book I just bought. You have to pick up the next one, it's called New Moon, it has a flower on the front. Go to Target and get it before you come home." She gets home about 45 minutes after I do. I couldn't concentrate the rest of the day. She got home, I praised her for giving me my new form of oxygen, and scurried off into my hibernation chambers to my own little world once more. Summer came, and I had created somewhat of a cult following in my school. I hadn't seen the books since I read them, you'd think I ran a library business. I made sure they were safely in my possession before school came to an end, minus Eclipse, but that was only because I had another copy, the special edition, and I knew I'd get it back eventually. Summer to me was a repetition of reading the series and counting down until August 2nd. Well, technically the 1st, because I was attending a release party with the two oldest members of my little cult. I went into Breaking Dawn a fierce Team Edward supporter. And I mean fierce. I hated Jacob so much that I fought the urge to gouge out eyeballs whenever I heard the word Team and Jacob put into a positive sentence together. I came out of Breaking Dawn with a fierce loyalty, appreciation, and respect to Jacob. It really changed the way I saw him, and I now love him like any of the Cullens. School came again, my junior year, and buzz about the movie started. Then my books were gone so fast I hadn't even had time to blink, much less give approval of lending them. Not that I cared too much. I had an extremely superior ego in regards to Twilight by that time. The movie hype came and went, and again I felt a loss as to what to turn my attention to next. When I was younger, I volunteered at the library. My grandma worked there, alongside a few other older ladies. "You like that fantasy stuff, you should read the Anne Rice books." I looked at them, they didn't look very pretty. And they were big. And old looking. And just unappealing all around. "No thanks." "Well, I've heard about another series called Anita Blake. It's about vampires." "Pshh, vampires? Lame." A month or so ago, the cashier at Hot Topic mentioned her strong devotion to Anita Blake as I was buying my 3 x 2 foot Edward Cullen poster. "You should read them, if you like Twilight. They're just more traditional, is all." Anita Blake? Hmm, rings a bell... Cue various Google and Amazon searches of reviews and summaries. Hmm, maybe I'll give it a shot....eventually. A couple weeks ago, I was with my friend in a Walden books. She wanted to buy a Twilight magazine I showed her at my house. An associate came up to us and started talking vampires and Twilight. "You guys should read Anita Blake. It's awesome. And Anne Rice too. They're a lot more traditional, but the story line is so much more in depth than Twilight." "I've heard a lot about both of those." The idea finally won me over. "Do you have Guilty Pleasures here?" They didn't. So I walked to the Barnes and Noble near by. They didn't have it either. I went home a little bit disappointed, but more anxious to start this new legendary series. I went to the Barnes and Noble closer to my house a few days later. I wanted to get the new charity book from J.K. Rowling. The lines were long, so I figured I'd browse until they dispersed a little. I stumbled into the science fiction/fantasy section. Hmm, a whole feature on vampire books? Must be the Twilight craze, now other authors are trying to jump on the bandwagon. There sat my quested Guilty Pleasures. Top row, one copy left. I snatched it and paid for it like it was my only source of oxygen, and I was running out of breath. So that's where my attentions are right now. I'm only on the second book right now, it's going pretty slow. But I'm completely satisfied with the series as a whole and I can't wait until I find out what happens next. Sixteen books? That's crazy. And yet such a relief that it will last me quite a while. I'll probably start Anne Rice after that. And I've been meaning to reread the Draco Trilogy, since I never read the last hundred or so pages and I can't just go and read them now. They have to be read together, or maybe I'm just weird like that. It's quite time consuming itself, probably the biggest fanfiction ever penned. Or typed, rather. It's also somewhat of a legend in the Harry Potter fandom. A key, if you will. I don't feel whole unless I'm immersed in something, so I'm the happiest now I've ever been.

I just found out that Forever 21 is a Christian store. Or at least, founded upon Christian ideals. I don't know if this changes the way I see it now.

I've created this blog at 2:19 am, out of boredom, insomnia, and procrastination. Those are some of the main factors in my life. We have a lot to learn about each other. I have yet to decide if I want to become personal with this blog or not, so you may never know my name. There's just too much I'm not willing to admit to in "real life" that I may or may not address here. And the risk of someone I know coming across this is just one I'm not willing to take. Then again, this will probably be just another blog out there with my claim to it that never gets updated. And oh, are there many. So we'll see where this goes. So the main points about me? Ok, let's start.

I'm 16 years old, and I've just decided as I type that I love the town I live in. However, I'm willing to jump at the first opportunity for a one-way ticket out of here. I could type essays about myself, because try as I may, I just can't seem to define me. And the more I attempt, the more doors I open up, and the more I have to write. I don't know if that comes across as arrogant or not. I'm sarcastic and dry-humored. I have a love for books, music, writing, animals, and nature. I'm not religious, but I'm very spiritual. I have a lot to say on that subject, but as I've stated, I'm not completely sure how close to home I want to hit with this. I procrastinate a lot. Ridiculous amounts. In fact, during the last two years of my life, my procrastination has reached new heights, and I just can't be bothered to do anything now, let alone leave it to last minute. It's bad, I know. I have a lot of inner conflicts with myself. I contradict myself constantly, in fact, it's basically the most self-defining thing about me. Contradiction. I don't know if I would go as far as to say hypocrisy, but what have you. I prefer solitude more than company, but as Albus Dumbledore once said, "Humans have a knack for choosing precisely the things that are worst for them." Story of my life.

So before this gets out of hand, I'll stop my ramblings. Don't worry, you'll get plenty more later on. Please, if you come across this somehow, let me know. I like to know I'm not just talking to myself, though I've been known to do so anyways. I don't care if you just press the space bar and enter it. Just let me know someone's listening.